Who Cares?

At our Mom to Mom meeting last week, one of the Titus 2 moms spoke briefly about a Christian psyhchologist named John Rosemond and his views on parenting. I found some of his ideas intriguing and later did some research of my own. Here is in article I found, and I thought it more than worthy to pass on. It may sound odd at first, but keep reading to the end, and I am sure you will see the heart of the message. Enjoy! :)

Who cares?
By John Rosemond (taken from his February 21st column)
Parents tell me their daughter is intelligent and did well in school up until the seventh grade, at which time she stopped doing the required work and her grades, consequently, went down the proverbial tube.

My response: “Who cares?”

Parents tell me their 8-year-old son still has four or five “accidents” per week in his clothing. The child’s pediatrician has determined that there is no physical problem (in which case, these stinky events are more accurately called “on purposes” or “lazies”).

My response: “Who cares?”

The parents of a 15-year-old want to know what to do about his refusal to keep his bedroom and bathroom neat and clean. His possessions are strewn everywhere, he doesn’t hang up his towels, he disposes of food by shoving it under his bed, and so on.

My response: “Who cares?”

Don’t mistake my meaning here. I am not trivializing these problems. In each case, the parents have a legitimate complaint. I am simply asking these parents to identify the person or persons who is/are upset by the problem in question, because it is a simple fact that the person or persons who is/are upset by the problem will try to solve it. And therein lies the possible reason why these problems aren’t being solved, because in each case the problem can only be solved by the child in question.

So, who cares that a seventh-grade girl is not accepting her academic responsibilities? Who cares that an 8-year-old is having frequent “lazies” in his clothing? Who cares that a teenager refuses to keep his living space orderly and clean?

In each case, I discover, it’s the parents who care. They are upset. They are pulling their hair out. And in each case, the child does not care. The girl does not seem to care about her grades. The boy does not seem to care that he soils himself. The teen is oblivious to the mess that is his room and bathroom.
The fact is, that the wrong people care. The wrong people are upset. Therefore, the only people who can solve the problems have no reason to solve them. The simple fact is that not until these children are forced to become upset about these problems—not until they begin to care more than their parents care—will they solve them.

So, the girl’s parents confiscate her most prized possession: her cell phone. She will get it back when her grades come back up to par and stay there for one entire grading period. When she is informed of this, she throws a tantrum like she hasn’t thrown since she was a toddler. Good. Now she cares. If any sense at all remains, she will solve HER problem.

The boy’s parents tell him that his doctor says he’s having “lazies” because he’s not getting enough sleep. Until they have stopped for a continuous period of 28 days, the doctor says he has to go to bed right after supper—even if that means cancelling activities—seven days a week. He is very upset by this sudden turn of events. Good. Now he cares.

And the teen comes home one day to discover that his parents have thoroughly cleaned his room. In the process, they threw away whatever they felt like throwing away and have stored his most coveted possessions in a storage locker to which only they have the code. They tell him to take a close look at the job they did because he must keep his room and bathroom to that standard for two straight months before they will return his stuff. And if he doesn’t clean his room, they will. At first, he is angry. When that doesn’t move his parents, he asks their forgiveness and promises to keep his room clean if they will return his stuff. They refuse. He gets angry again, then apologizes again, then begins to beg. His parents stand firm. He goes to his room and won’t come out for dinner. Good. Now he cares.

In each case, the child quickly solves the problem. Amazing! Or not.

Verse to consider:
"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11 (NIV)

Prayer:
Heavenly Father, your word instructs us to teach and train up our children in the way they should go so that they will not depart from you. Lord, there is so much advice out there about parenting these days. May we screen everything through your Word and the filter of the Holy Spirit you have placed within us. Help us to parent to the heart of the matter and to make our children accountable for their actions. May you give us the wisdom and patience to not lose heart and become frustrated with our children, but may we teach them to care about how their actions affect themselves and others. May we also teach them that love is constant and that our love for them requires us to disciple and discipline them in a way that truly pleases you. Help us stay the course and find wisdom and strength in you. In Jesus’ name Amen.

Challenge: Next time your child decides to test the boundaries of your authority, stop and pray for wisdom. Ask God to help you discipline in such a way that their behavior (and the consequences it brings) upsets them too, so they can be moved to repent, seek forgiveness, and change their behavior.