Teachable Moments

“Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” Ephesians 5:1

“If someone stole my Christmas tree, I would yell at them.” “Well if someone stole my Christmas tree, I would yell at them and punch them in the face.” “Well, if someone stole I would…” A group of kids was going back and forth about what they would do if someone took their beloved tree. A very wise mom I know chimed in, “You know what guys, who is Christmas really about anyway? Jesus right! Well, these Christmas trees are going to get old and die, but Jesus is alive and will be forever. Christmas is not about lights, and presents, and trees. I am glad you like your trees, but that is not what is most important.” Believe it or not, that response seemed to work for this group of four year old children. The conversation was totally redirected and they resumed eating their pizza and talking about something entirely different. This mom (our guest blogger, Sheila) had made the most of that opportunity.

As I heard this group of children talking (mine included), I realized that as adults we often let our conversations lead us into dangerous territory. For example, as women can be innocently people-watching one moment and gossiping about them the next. We can even shamefully disguise gossip as prayer requests, and occasionally we can verbally rip someone to shreds because “we can’t believe she did THAT”…all in the presence of our kids. Sure, we think that they are playing with their friends and are totally oblivious to our behavior, but their little ears are listening at times we least expect.

Need another example? A good friend of mine was telling me about a conflict she was having with another woman in her fellowship. She was telling me about how she really wanted to reconcile and make peace with this woman and her family, but the other woman seemed satisfied to hold on to her grudges and simply write her off. My friend also told me that she ran into the woman’s daughter recently and that the daughter treated her just as badly as the mom. How sad! The daughter was bearing the grudge of her mother. Had that mom spoken poorly of my friend in her daughter’s presence? You bet! This should not be!

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Our words can have the power to build up or tear down. As believers, our conversation should be sweet. We need to set an example that our kids can follow. We will inevitably have conflicts with our fellow friends in the faith, but we should resolve those conflicts in a way that is truly pleasing to God. Whether the kids at the playground are having a spat, or whether we are having a conflict with another mom-friend, God’s word outlines the best possible way to address the problem:

• Step 1: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” Matthew 18: 15
First and foremost, we need to address the one who has offended us. We should take the situation to God in prayer, ask for the right words and heart when speaking to them, and then go to that person…not another friend whom you would like to “vent” to.

• Step 2: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.” Matthew 18:16
If that person refuses to listen, take someone else whom you trust as a mediator/peacemaker…especially if the issue is one of grave importance.

• Step 3: “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” Matthew 18:17
This next step refers to more serious moral issues that cannot be overlooked (i.e. an adulterous affair among staff members in the church or some other inappropriate relationship, etc.).

The point is, whether the conflict is big or small, Matthew 18 provides a practical guideline for how to resolve disputes in a Christ-like fashion. If we go directly to the person who has offended us before talking about the issue with someone else, we do two things: (1) We protect the reputation of the person and we give him or her the opportunity to explain themselves. We may find that the issue was one of miscommunication or that the offending person is hurting in some way in which you can help. (2) We won’t drag others into a sinful, gossiping situation in which their hearts are now sour towards “that person” as well.

Countless times, I have witnessed my oldest son get into some type of sparring match with one of his friends. It starts off as playful rough-housing and then it happens…somebody gets hurt. Other times, the conflict starts off hostile: someone takes a toy from the other person, and WHACK! The offended kid nails the other kid. Still other times, one little kid will pull another kids shirt, and that kid will immediately tell the nearest adult in charge. Now, I have heard a variety of responses to such behavior. Some positive, some funny, some shameful, and some indifferent. By far, our highest and best response would be to take advantage of these teachable moments.

We should teach Matthew 18 to our kids, and we should model it ourselves. As easy as it may seem for the moment, it is not sufficient to tell a two or three year old to simply “not be a tattle tale”. After all, what does that mean? Does it mean that they should not tell a teacher or parent if they see some type of dangerous or hurtful behavior? Of course not! We need to know if there is something seriously dangerous or suspicious taking place. BUT for those everyday playground encounters, we need to patiently teach our children the proper way to work things out and not assume they know how to settle it on their own. Then once we have taught them, we can remind them of Matthew 18 the next time they find themselves in a little quibble with a friend.

It is such a beautiful thing when I witness my little boy get this Matthew 18 concept right (which is not all the time, but he is trying). A handful of times, I have watched him settle a dispute with a friend without having to get involved myself. Whew! What a blessing that is to me! So, let us encourage one another, spur each other on towards good works, make the most of teachable moments, and set an example our kids can follow.

Prayer:

Dear Father,
Thank you for being the ultimate conflict resolver. Thank you for giving us your Word as a beautiful guide post for our hearts and our every day encounters. Please help us to be imitators of you. Help us point our kids to you in what we do and say that they can learn that Christianity is a lifestyle. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen

“He who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king for his friend.” Proverbs 22:11