No Matter What

Hello my name is Jodi Nowak and I am Tammy Negron’s sister. She asked me about 3 weeks ago if I would consider writing a blog for this web site. I have to admit that at first I was hesitant about the idea, thinking I was not capable of doing something like this. Why would God want me to share my story with you when I have questioned Him a lot lately regarding this trial? But I told her I would pray about it and let her know. I felt like Moses asking God to use someone else, like my amazingly talented sister who is so beautiful inside and out!! Well here I am writing, listening to God's calling although I still feel so unworthy. Let me start off by introducing you to my family. I am honored to be married to Andrew, a wonderful man of God, for 15 years. We have four beautiful blessings, 3 girls and 1 boy. They are Julianne 13, Kylie 10, Alyssa 8 and AJ (Andrew John) 4. I have the privilege of being home with them every day as God called me to home school 6 years ago. We are busy to say the least but that is not what Tammy asked me to write about today.
What I am going to share with you has to do with my little boy AJ. So to make a long story short I will briefly explain what we have been going through these past handful of months. Back in May I noticed an odd behavior in him, he would just fall over as if he was losing his balance all of a sudden. He never passed out or lost consciousness, he just fell, cried if he hurt himself and went back to whatever activity he was doing. I mentioned it to our pediatrician, who sent us to a neurologist, who sent us for testing. The MRI was normal Praise God, but the 20 minute EEG was not. So we than had another longer EEG done, a 23 hour video one at the hospital. This too came back abnormal and our neurologist wanted us to start him on medicine right away. Her diagnosis was that he was having mini seizures, and could possibly have a grand mal seizure. This as you could imagine was a shock to my husband and I, I couldn't believe the second test came back abnormal. I had prayed and believed that the first one was a mistake and that this second test would come back fine and we could go on with life as normal. After praying and researching on the Internet, the side effects to the medicine were unsettling, so we just didn't have peace about giving it to him. The fact that my husband still hadn’t seen a “falling episode” had made it even harder to agree to it. We both felt torn about what to do and went in the next month to ask more questions and talk with the neurologist. She understood our feelings and ordered another EEG to try to get more information to help us make a decision. This time he had to get the wires put on one Friday afternoon and come home with them until the following Monday. I received a phone call a week and a half later from his neurologist with the results. She said that in comparison to the last EEG this one was showing an increase in abnormal brain spikes, in more parts of the brain. Which raised her concern greatly and said it increased his chance of having grand mal seizures. She highly suggested we start the medicine and said that the last thing she wants is for him to have a seizure in his sleep, aspirate and die. Well I couldn’t speak as I was overcome with tears and hung up the phone feeling so helpless. Questioning the Lord, asking him why? Why does my baby have to go through this, why wasn’t He healing him? Why do I have to make this decision or even deal with this? What did God want from me? To trust Him completely to heal AJ or to use the medicine and heal him that way? I felt so scared, alone, uncertain, wishing for a pillar of fire to show me what to do. My husband and I talked that evening, prayed and did more research. I had a hard time sleeping the next couple of nights as we continued to pray. I believed that God allowed me to see my baby fall for a reason, because otherwise we would have never known all this was going on inside his brain. And although the side effects to the medicine were scary, they were rare and I was more scared to not have him on the medicine and would be devastated if something happened to him. So we started the medicine on Thanksgiving Day and AJ has been doing fine, with no side effects besides being a little more tired than normal. Something we are truly grateful for.
I continue to feel like my faith is constantly being tested through this. There is a song on the radio by Kerrie Roberts that came out last year called “No Matter What”. Well I love that song and remember listening to it and saying that I wanted to live my life like the song says. That no matter what God allows into my life I will trust him. One part of the song says this: “Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands, and even though I, keep asking why, I keep asking why. No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.” I felt like I failed the test because in my humanness I wondered where God was, questioned His plan for my life and was upset that He was allowing this to happen. But then I was given scripture by many sweet friends who were praying for my family. One in-particular verse was given to me over and over, either sent in e-mails, cards or in a devotion. It is found in Isaiah 43:1-3, which says “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.” God wanted me to know that He was with me, holding me; He wasn’t going to let me drown or be consumed. He knows that as humans we feel like he isn’t there, Jesus himself asked while on the cross, God where are you? Why have you forsaken me? That is why He gives us His word with scripture like Isaiah to reassure us that when we are in the midst of a trial He is right there with us. That it is ok to ask why because He understands our hurt, pain and suffering. But He also provides us with hope, that He works all things out for His glory for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). We may never understand the why, but we CAN trust Him that He does have a plan and a purpose that is better than our own. He loves my son more than I do, so much that He sent His only son to suffer and die for all of us. Jesus trusted His father with His life, am I willing to do the same with my life and that of my children? It is not easy to let go and let God, but there was this peace when I finally got to the point of “ok Lord I can’t do this by myself anymore, my baby is yours, please help me to trust in you with all my heart no matter what!” It is something I find myself saying more than once these days because I am still learning, still growing. I am not perfect and never will be; I don’t have this mom thing right and certainly don’t have this being a woman of faith thing right. But I am thankful that the Lord is patient with me, that He is willing to keep picking me up every time I fall. I am still that lump of clay He is working on, forming, putting in the fire to make me a stronger better person that will one day be a beautiful porcelain tea cup. And so are you my friend J So although I am still in the midst of this trial, in the fire so to speak, I know God is with me and will bring my family through. I don’t know what you are going through right now, but God certainly does. I would like to end my story by saying a prayer with you and for you.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for allowing me this opportunity to share my heart and your love with these moms. Thank you for your understanding heart, your grace and unconditional love. Lord you know each and every moms need that is reading this right now. You know her struggles, her fears and her trials. You know her better than anyone else and understand all that she is feeling. You love her kids more than she ever could imagine and your love for her is the same. I pray that you would bring her an overwhelming sense of peace right now. That no matter what is going on in her life that you are with her and will carry her through. Lord nothing comes into her life that you don’t allow, help her to trust you completely, depend on you every moment of every day. Give her the wisdom and strength she needs to be a wife and a mommy and do her ever day tasks. May everything we do and say please and glorify you and forgive us for the times we doubt. Thank you for loving us, for sending your son and for your gift of salvation. We love you.
In Jesus Name I Pray- Amen

God Bless You!! Have a Merry Christmas!!

In His Love,
Jodi Nowak

Here is a link to the song by Kerrie Roberts "No Matter What"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA3MSqufJP4