Persnickety Perfectionism

“Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.” Galatians 1:10

1…2…3…I blew in his face and dunked him under the water, and he tried his best to swim to the wall. He emerged somewhat confident, but mostly exasperated because he hated swim lessons. Yet, we went two times a week, and each time he would mostly cry and swim a little. One day, I noticed that his tummy looked a little swollen after swim lessons, so I pushed it and…blah, water came spewing out of his mouth! Oh my goodness! My little Mikey had been swallowing the water instead of holding his breath. So, we decided to take a little break from swim lessons. 

Yet, I still felt the pressure. Mikey was only two at the time, but everyone (or what felt like everyone) insisted that he needed to know how to swim. Forget that most of our generation didn’t know how to swim until school age or later—this new little generation needed to swim before they could walk…or so it seemed. The truth is, our culture insists that kids do a lot of things on their own from a very early age: go to sleep on their own, become potty trained, learn to swim. Yes, all of these things are good things, but we must ask ourselves “why” and “how”. Do we want our kids to be whole and strive for excellence in all they do, or are we raising a new generation of stressed out, perfectionist kids?

The truth is that the dangers of perfectionism are far too costly and the rewards far too shallow. So, how do you know if you are a perfectionist? If you are constantly comparing yourself to, competing with, and criticizing (outwardly or inwardly) the other women in your life, you may be a perfectionist. If you are constantly focusing on what is wrong with yourself and others, you may be a perfectionist. If your husband can never do anything right, you may be a perfectionist. If you are not okay with your son or daughter NOT being good at something that YOU think they should be good at, you might be a perfectionist. 

If you are panicking because this may be you, don’t worry! As a recovering perfectionist with occasional relapses, let me lovingly say that there is hope…more than that: there is GRACE.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

The answer to our perfectionist tendencies is almost so simple that it is hard to accept: we were never meant to be good at everything. Our kids are not called to be good at everything. We are not called to be just like the other moms we know. We are not called to be just like our own moms. We were made to be the wife and mom of the husband and kids God gave us. So, given these precious and challenging responsibilities, God calls us to do our best, knowing that we would not be the best at everything. 

However, God knew we would struggle with the feeling of not being good enough, so that is why he told us that his grace would be sufficient. We were always meant to walk in His strength and not our own. We are called to listen to His voice, and block out the traffic of noise around us—each book or person telling us we should be parenting our kids some other way.

So how do we drown out the conflicting voices around us and jump out of the race to be the best mom with the best kids? Practically speaking, here are a few things we can do to maintain a sense of calm and balance:

1. Accept that you, your husband, your kids, your friends, and your neighbors all have weaknesses. Know that God’s grace is sufficient and then give them and yourself the grace to grow up and become more mature. Recognize that maturity is a process, not an overnight thing.
2. Accept God’s forgiveness and extend that forgiveness to others. What a humbling thing it is to have to apologize to our kids when we make a mistake! But God uses that to show them that we all fall short of his glory and that forgiveness is available to all.
3. Be transparent. We do not have to know the answer to everything. We may have some practical parenting advice of things that worked for our family, but we should also be transparent enough to let others know that we have made mistakes.
4. Speak the truth in love, and realize that advice and/or opinions are not necessarily truths…they may just be your personal convictions. If the Bible doesn’t directly speak to the issue, then it is OK if you and your family disciple your children differently than the other couples you know.
5. Pursue Excellence, not Perfectionism: Give it everything you’ve got, and then let it go. Don’t dwell on what you could have done better. Learn from it and keep moving forward. Stop looking back!

So ladies, let us test and examine ourselves, give it our best, and release it all to God. For His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in our weakness. Because Christ’s love is perfect and I find my strength in him, I don’t have to be perfect and neither do you.:)


Dear God,
Thank you for loving me and accepting me. Please help me to rely on your strength and not my own. Thank you for making me unique. Please help me to stop comparing, criticizing, and competing with the other moms around me. Help me to accept my husband, kids, and myself just as we are, and may we all have your grace to grow. In Jesus’ name.
Amen.

Verses to Consider:

"As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.” 2 Samuel 22:31

“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.” Isaiah 26:3

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2

*** Side note: This is a repost of a blog I wrote almost 2 years ago. My oldest Doodlebug is almost 6 now, and he loves to swim! He became comfortable with the water in his own time. :)

Tragedy to Triumph

And my God will supply 

every need of yours 

according to his riches 

in glory in Christ Jesus.

- Philippians 4:19

A few weeks ago I blogged about my crazy travels across Alligator Ally. The long road, that travels across the state, where my car broke down as I drove with my three young children. That night was a long one but it led me to thank God for the good things in my life (a car that normally works, great husband who rescued me, ect) that He has blessed me with. 

Well its been two weeks and my car still has not fully recovered. We had it worked on after a friend secretly hid an envelop with $500 in my bible at Bible study. I was blown away by God's provision in our time of need. But the car still had issues. After the money was spent on new parts and labor,  our mechanic couldn't figure out why our car still struggled to run. I was discouraged, thinking we didn't have any more money to pour into our vehicle. So my husband and I prayed and waited.

Side note: In the two weeks without a car, we saved gas money - since we were not going anywhere, got on a daily schedule (because hours in the house, with two little boys, is CRAZY without one), and truly enjoyed the outdoors in new ways (bike rides around our block & playing t-ball in the front yard). This was a blessing in disguise, causing us to venture into new areas of play that we wouldn't have otherwise

So after praying and waiting. The Lord answered. Boldly He answered our cry. Today a family came by and dropped off a delivery from Jesus. What, you ask, was it? A new Dodge Caravan for our family. It came with title and gas too :) What a great example to my kids of His faithfulness through an answered prayer. 

Many times my kids and I lifted up prayers, together, for a van. We waited. His plan was perfect. My kids were able to see our God answer prayer.  Jehovah Jireh (God our provider) blessed our family. HE is real and my kids saw that today!

It has bucket seats, freezing air, tinted windows and a DVD player!! All those little details He knew we would love.
These are the stories my kids will share with their own kids someday. All because we prayed. All because where two or more are gathered, there He is in our midst. All because we waited on His timing. 

What role does prayer play in your family's life?

Are you patiently waiting for your "van"? 

Jesus is into the details and has heard your cry. Stay faith-filled. Allow your kids to see you persevere and praise Him even in those moments that are tough! 

He wants to turn your tragedy into triumph!! He has plans!

Trust in the Lord 

with all your heart, 

and do not lean on 

your own understanding.

- Proverbs 3:5

A Treasured Moment

                      Let everything that has breath 
                                 praise the LORD  
                                  -Psalm 150:6

Tonight I had a treasured moment. I laid down with my son, as is tradition when Daddy works late, and we began chatting about life. Sweet nothings that I hold dear to my heart because my son is not one to "chat" much. As it got a bit later he rolled over and held onto me and fell asleep. I began to cry, in gratefulness to the Lord, for that moment. As we cuddled together I was blessed beyond words.

At times, since we moved to Naples, I have felt my son has changed dramatically and his behavior has been very challenging. The sweet, loving little boy seems (at times) to be distant and I have cried out to the Lord much in anguish over this.

It's a season. One of adjusting, praying, seeking counsel, having tests done, and striving to look at my child how the Lord does. A time of stretching and seeing how my own heart needs change. It has caused me to cling to Jesus like never before, but don't trials always do that? It's that bitter sweet spot of... being broken yet holding His hand for strength and support at the same time. Where my weakness is of great value because it catapults me into the peaceful arms of my loving Savior. 

As crazy busy as life is, I need to to pause long enough in those moments, of cuddling with my very unaffectionate son, to praise my God for the little joys He brings my way.  God is into the details of my life. Of your life. In those moments of being refreshed, I need to lift my head towards Him and say, "thank  you" to the lover of my soul.

What can you praise Him for today? What "sweet cuddle" has He sent your way to show His love?

Is the season of life you are in, right now, a tough one? HE sees. HE cares. HE loves you.

"I can faithfully tell you there is not a test or trial that I have ever gone through, no matter how insignificant, that if I turned it over to the Lord He didn't do something eternally profitable with it. I have learned more about the Lord God through tests and trials than any other way." - Kay Smith

Full Circle Prayers

Ephesians 3:20   

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Glory to God, who is able to do far beyond all that we could ask or imagine by his power at work within us;

     Sometimes it can be so difficult to see the answer to our prayers.  We are often specific and then we know that we know our prayers were answered.  Other times we get an answer and are not sure if that was what we were praying for.

     This story was so fascinating I wanted to share it with you.  I will not give the real names or locations to protect the identity of these friends. 

     One of my dearest friends (Denise) was telling me the “rest of the story” this week.  Her son (Chad) several years back had gone on a missions trip.  While he was away his passport and visa were stolen.  This began an entire month of trying to get him out of Bangladesh without being sent as a refugee to another country to await a court ruling.

     We prayed for Chad’s return…quickly!  We had others praying as well.  We, to this day praise God for his release from Bangladesh.  We felt his release was the answer.

      Denise shared that Chad met a couple (Arthur and Barbara) this week and shared this experience.  The couple became pale with the description of this event.  They began to explain that they were aware of his circumstances. While Chad was being detained in that country, the couple had been contacted and were asked to fill in for the missionary who had stayed behind to care for Chad. Arthur was asked to lead a mission trip to his homeland.

      While Arthur was leading the mission team to his homeland, Barbara felt lead to fast for him the entire time he was away.  She felt the heaviness of his leading the group and was also concerned for this young man (Chad) who she had not met nor was given his name. 

      Arthur returned without incident.  Barbara had had many medical challenges.  Her doctors had told her that she would never be without pain.  Barbara was told there was nothing more they could do for her.   Upon the arrival of Arthur and the ending of her fast, Barbara came to realize she was without pain.  She has not had pain since she broke her fast for her husband, and the detained “young man.”  She saw the answer to her prayer was her husbands safe return and her pain free life. 

       As Chad, Arthur and Barbara celebrated this “full circle” of prayer, the rest of the story must be noted.  The purpose of Chad meeting Arthur and Barbara is he had recently met their daughter and is interested in dating her.  Should Chad one day be God’s choice for Arthur and Barbara’s daughter, Barbara’s prayers may have been for the release of her future son-in-law.

      Moms, we will probably never see the full ramifications of the prayers for our children and their future spouses.  Don’t underestimate what our perfect Savior may be doing through our minuscule understanding of prayer!

After failure

I’m so often outsmarted by the enemy’s many tricks. This is probably one that works on me the best; get what you want by ungodly means. “The end result is what matters so what’s the difference if you demand, lose your temper or threaten to get what you know is right”, he tempts. I think he succeeds so often because I’m so strong willed and my desires for the things I want to see are so great. Things like obedience in my kids, diligence in school and honor for one another. So if I just push a little harder, change my tone so they know I mean business or give a harsh glance, I can get some results here. But not really, I’ll just be getting what I want by ungodly means. The bible declares that when Jesus came to teach us, he didn’t use any of those techniques. “He came full of grace and truth” (John 1:14) and He calls us to do the same when we teach our children.

Since I home school my two boys, I get many opportunities to fail and fail right before their eyes. Let me list my most frequent enemies and the failures that follow so often. See if you can relate.

Anger  over my sons laziness during school, over meanness, over their sense of entitlement, over how easily they are influenced by evil. I’m angry over my inability to change anything inside of them or inside of myself. Anger over my own lack of surrender and lack of willingness to submit to God and others. Rather than feeling discouragement, my tendency is to display greater independence and self reliance which of course only fuels pride and separation from God.  Failure.

Fear is a present enemy because it can tempt me to eliminate faith by taking a matter into my own hands and “making it happen” by ungodly means. Instead of trusting God, I can threaten, get angry, withdraw or try an emotional plea to get my way. Failure.

Helplessness is scary to me. I’d almost do anything not to feel that so I find myself striving, working and performing in my own strength many times. The idea that God is at work while I simply rest and trust is hard for me. Even harder is to grasp that He can use the evil displayed around me right now. Everything in me just wants to make things right, right now! So I try and fail again.

The normal progression after those times of failure looks something like this. I almost always begin a conversation with myself that starts with the question of  “what is the worst that can happen”. So what if He chooses to really enter my kids minds five or even ten years from now? What if I fail to truly learn to submit to God before I’m 80? Will He love me less? Will He give up on me? Will He ever stop trying? And I finally land on this truth;  He will not.

“Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love;
Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.
 Again I will build you, and you shall be rebuilt…” Jer.31:3-4

This becomes the game changer. This fact (and my faith in it) that God still loves me despite of my failures, is the one and ONLY thing that makes me get up and try again. I must make this choice every time I fail. Even now, as Gods love pours over me afresh, I realize how often my lack of faith in this area must affect my boys. Do they know when they fail, that they are loved? What about when they don’t obey me, don’t perform in my time or disappoint me or themselves, do they have hope of ever changing? Perhaps the very reason God allows me to have so many failures, is so that I may never burden them with an unrealisticly perfect standard no one can uphold. Maybe every time I fail, I have a little more compassion with others, a little more love and some more patience.  I must teach my sons to hope in God after failure the most because that will give them strength to get up again every time.

“Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance;  and perseverance, character; and character, hope.  Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” Rom.1-5

 

After failure

I’m so often outsmarted by the enemy’s many tricks. This is probably one that works on me the best; get what you want by ungodly means. “The end result is what matters so what’s the difference if you demand, lose your temper or threaten to get what you know is right”, he tempts. I think he succeeds so often because I’m so strong willed and my desires for the things I want to see are so great. Things like obedience in my kids, diligence in school and honor for one another. So if I just push a little harder, change my tone so they know I mean business or give a harsh glance, I can get some results here. But not really, I’ll just be getting what I want by ungodly means. The bible declares that when Jesus came to teach us, he didn’t use any of those techniques. “He came full of grace and truth” (John 1:14) and He calls us to do the same when we teach our children.

Since I home school my two boys, I get many opportunities to fail and fail right before their eyes. Let me list my most frequent enemies and the failures that follow so often. See if you can relate.

Anger  over my sons laziness during school, over meanness, over their sense of entitlement, over how easily they are influenced by evil. I’m angry over my inability to change anything inside of them or inside of myself. Anger over my own lack of surrender and lack of willingness to submit to God and others. Rather than feeling discouragement, my tendency is to display greater independence and self reliance which of course only fuels pride and separation from God.  Failure.

Fear is a present enemy because it can tempt me to eliminate faith by taking a matter into my own hands and “making it happen” by ungodly means. Instead of trusting God, I can threaten, get angry, withdraw or try an emotional plea to get my way. Failure.

Helplessness is scary to me. I’d almost do anything not to feel that so I find myself striving, working and performing in my own strength many times. The idea that God is at work while I simply rest and trust is hard for me. Even harder is to grasp that He can use the evil displayed around me right now. Everything in me just wants to make things right, right now! So I try and fail again.

The normal progression after those times of failure looks something like this.

I almost always begin a conversation with myself that starts with the question of  “what is the worst that can happen”. So what if He chooses to really enter my kids minds five or even ten years from now? What if I fail to truly learn to submit to God before I’m 80? Will He love me less? Will He give up on me? Will He ever stop trying? And I finally land on this truth;  He will not.

“Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love;
Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.
 Again I will build you, and you shall be rebuilt…” Jer.31:3-4

This becomes the game changer. This fact (and my faith in it) that God still loves me despite of my failures, is the one and ONLY thing that makes me get up and try again. I must make this choice every time I fail. Even now, as Gods love pours over me afresh, I realize how often my lack of faith in this area must affect my boys. Do they know when they fail, that they are loved? What about when they don’t obey me, don’t perform in my time or disappoint me or themselves, do they have hope of ever changing? Perhaps the very reason God allows me to have so many failures, is so that I may never burden them with an unrealisticly perfect standard no one can uphold. Maybe every time I fail, I have a little more compassion with others, a little more love and some more patience.  I must teach my sons to hope in God after failure the most because that will give them strength to get up again every time.

“Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance;  and perseverance, character; and character, hope.  Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” Rom.1-5

 

Quiet Time....a MUST!

Be still, and know that I am God!

- Psalm 46:10 NLT

A few days ago I was challenged. As a mom. As a wife. As a believer. My husband asked me about my daily routine and how I could tighten it up with some sort of schedule.  I knew I needed one, especially with having the kids home all day with homeschooling.

Sidenote: It seems as my boys grow older, the more we need routine so the crazy can cease :) They need a break from releasing their energy in order to funnel it back into something productive. Love them much but it is definitely challenging at times to keep them busy and out of trouble.

In putting together a daytime schedule I found peace. Knowing what came next was awesome, and it even gave me some "free" time to read with a cup of coffee. Crazy, right? Yep I scheduled a "Quiet Time" for the boys and myself, where we read books for 30 minutes and then swap with the iPhone for a game for another 30 minutes. Beautiful. Needed. All because I scheduled in some quiet time.

The longer I am a mom the more I realize how important a "quiet time" is. Daily. A few times a day, where we can push pause on the mundane things we are doing and focus on Truth. Where we can be refreshed and revived, as mothering is an exhausting job at times. Rewarding but so exhausting.
It requires discipline. It requires sacrifice from those things that will pull us in another direction. As we sit down and meditate on His word or maybe sing out a few worship songs, throughout our day, it gives proper perspective and makes us a better Mommy.

What does QUIET TIME look like in your life?

What are some distractions you could eliminate during your day in order to devote a few more minutes to prayer, reading the Word and devotion?

Imagine what a great impact it would have on your ministry as a Mommy here on earth and eternally as well :)