Lessons in Loss

         My husband lost his “bestie” to cancer almost 8 years ago.  Charlie fought courageously to the end.  Charlie was flamboyant and loud.  He loved life and lived it to the full.  Everyone who met Charlie was challenged by his upbeat personality and the amazing way he could cause you to be introspective in the midst of even a very brief conversation.

         Charlie had two loves as most of us do, but as mentioned, his were to an extreme.   Charlie loves were; eating and talking.  Well, you say, we all like to eat and talk.  Yeah, but if you were with Charlie and you went out to eat, you would leave the restaurant feeling like you had just had a thanksgiving meal.  And if he came to visit, there were always “Hot Donuts Now” from Krispy Kreme in tow.

Google Image

         And…Charlie could talk…and laugh…and be serious all more intense then most.  He could talk until you felt like your ears would burn.

         Charlie’s diagnosis was throat cancer.  With a constant sore throat he was forced to talk and eat less.  His cancer culminated with the removal of his voice box and he was given a feeding tube.

         Charlie’s two favorite vices were taken.

         How could he live without eating and talking?

         We walked closely with Charlie and his bride, Julia (of only a little more than a year) during his fight with cancer.  Charlie opted to leave the state we were living in to find a specialist.  Our entire family flew multiple times to stay with Julia in her temporary housing and to stay with Charlie in the hospital.

         I cherished the moments I was with each of them.  When I was with Charlie in the hospital I had such spiritual refinement.  I would do what I could to make him comfortable.  Like a secretary in an office, Charlie gave me assignments.  He would have me write letters to his friends. He would have me call his friends and I would talk to them while Charlie mouthed what I should say to them.  I would feed him with his feeding tube. 

         The biggest lesson I learned from Charlie in his last days was even prior to his removal of his voice box.  He said, “people talk so much and they don’t listen.”  I took that one lesson to heart and formed my own mantra, “Talk less, listen more.”

         This week our church family has had to say goodbye to another dear friend.  He leaves behind a young wife and a barely three-year-old child.  What do we do or say to love another mom facing such intense loss?  How do we comfort her? How do we help her? 

         As mothers we try day in and day out to “fix things.”  We want to “organize” to make life more simple and manageable.  However, because we live in this world, life happens.  Some as extreme as the loss of a friend

         We have to walk through this excruciating pain together.  That sweet wife needs us.  Not all at once.  Not only in the first weeks.  But as the Lord leads, let’s show up, let’s be there for her.  We don’t need to know “the right thing to say.”  We just need to be there for her.  We can choose to talk less and listen more.

         I am convinced that the temporary separation of death will be overshadowed by our understanding of eternity.  God will comfort our friend during her loss. He will show us the appropriate words or lack thereof.

Matthew 10: 19, 20

"...do not worry about what to say or how to say it.

At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, 

but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you."

TRAGEDY INTO TRIUMPH

31 years ago July 9th my husbands dad who was a pilot on Pan Am flight 759 was killed in a tragic plane crash. He went to be with the Lord along with 151 other people that day. Leaving behind a wife, 8 year old daughter, and 3 year old son (my husband.) This tragedy rocked his family as you can imagine but it has been a true blessing and inspiration to see how he, his mother, and sister have leaned on the Lord and held on to HIS promises in the midst of this trial. This post was written by my husband last year on the 30th anniversary of the crash. It touched my heart and inspired me. I pray it inspires you the same way.

FB post 7/9/2012

     Today I’m a year older than my father was when he was died and I have a 3 year old son, 4 and 12 year old daughters, and a wife I’m madly in love with. I came home from shift this morning and everything hit me like a wave when I walked through the door to see my son peeking his head around the wall followed by his sisters. For years I wished my dad had walked back through the door and even now I wish I had something like my dad’s Facebook account to take a look at the times we had together (this is why I journal through FB). However, today is special because I can look at my kids and know better the love he had for us as well as the types of experiences we may have had together. I’ve always wondered about that. 

Even when I purposefully ran far away from God, He never gave up on me. Through all my selfishness, ungratefulness, self-pity, depression, anger, denial, addictions, pride, rebellion, and plenty more He has always been there I just didn’t always look for Him. 

Rom. 5:8 “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Maybe the absence of my father has given me an advantage in knowing the presence of my Heavenly Father. You know how they say when you lose one of your senses it heightens others? I used to focus on the bad things that came from this tragedy until I began to see how many great things were happening in spite of it and how they were directly related to God (this would be around 2004). I think this is what led me to dive in to Big Brothers ministry, mentoring, briefly teaching Bible class w/ my future wife, and now Fathering like I’m some kind of hybrid between Bill Cosby and Jeff Corwin. When I see others who have been through or are going through trials inside I want to scream that God wants to do great things for them too! I need to get better at sharing that. 

It’s interesting that I ended up being a Firefighter/Paramedic just like the first responders that were on scene of my dad’s accident. At work I get to see plenty of tragedy. The majority don’t make it to FB posts…doesn’t seem right. But I am always reminded that God is there in tragedy and Heaven is Home, life is the hard part. 

I pray for the other victims of this tragedy and their families, that they are able to know as well as experience God’s presence in their life. Also for anyone who has endured a tragedy, if you don’t know, there is so much peace, healing, and hope in Christ Jesus. Trust me I am not the preachy type but today I feel led to share, God is there for you right where you’re at, always reaching out. Read the Bible, don’t just view Christianity as corrupt churches, hypocrites, and judgmental people. There is so much out there for those that can seek out what’s real and not just manipulative media or twisted conversations. 

This is by far my longest FB post so I’ll end it here. Back to Psalm 68:5 from above. I’ve always referred to that verse on this day but am particularly struck by the next verse which I normally skip over. Psalm 68:6 “God sets the lonely in families.” (or the desolate in a homeland). Now we are in a class to become foster parents and this next verse has a new significance. Hate to use a cliché’ but God has a plan! 



Written by Devin Pierce

Lt. Donald Pierce

I read this devotion a couple of weeks ago and I just could't get it out of my heart so I wanted to share it with you ladies to continue to pray for these families. Yesterday marked 3 weeks since these families lost some of their most precious possessions

Psalm 34:18 God is near to the broken hearted, He saves those who are broken in spirit
. 

December 19, 2012 How Do I Pray for the Families of Sandy Hook? By Lysa TerKeurst

"Know that wisdom is such to your soul; if you find it, there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off." Proverbs 24:14

There are things mommies aren't ever supposed to find.

They aren't supposed to find themselves in a firehouse frantically looking for their child.

They aren't supposed to find their child's name on a list of those who won't be coming home. They aren't supposed to find a dress to wear to their child's funeral.

They aren't supposed to turn their calendar and find a date circled for the birthday party they were supposed to be planning next month. The one that won't be.

Or walk to the mailbox and find their child's dentist appointment reminder card. The receptionist forgot to pull that one out.

Or find a book they know their child would love. Only half way to the checkout counter they remember, their child is gone.

They aren't supposed to find these things.

They aren't supposed to find that grieving for a child is like navigating a path with chasms so wide their continued steps seem impossible. Terrifying. Hopeless.

I know these chasms. I watched my mom stare at them. I saw her wish she could fall in them and never have to take another painful step. I wept over everything she found reminding her my sister was gone.

That's how I know what God would have me pray right now. For the families of the loved ones that lost so much last Friday. But especially for the mommies.

The mommies that even right now are finding things no mommy should have to find.

I want my prayers to slip into those chasms and somehow fill them. I am asking God to show me. Make me aware of the specific things those mommies might find in the months to come.

When the black dresses are hanging in the closets. The media has packed up and gone home. The cards stop coming. The neighbors' lives go back to normal.

And in the quietness of her own grief that mommy finds something. Something that breaks her heart all over again. And in that space of pure grief, she feels horrifically alone.

Please Lord, let my prayers go there. Prick my heart to fill that chasm with layers of prayers from my mommy heart. Let me take the deep grief of that moment so she doesn't have to be so alone.

Though she won't see me or hear my prayers, may she feel an unexplainable sense of Your presence. And know. You.

That's what I pray she does find. You. With her. Comfort. Peace. Healing. Hope.

Oh God, show us how to pray.

Dear Lord, thank You that Your Son and Holy Spirit pray for us when we don't have words. Please fill in the gaps of my prayers, but also help me respond when You prompt me to pray for the hurting. It's only by Your sufficient grace we can do this. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Reflect and Respond:
Let's be a people of prayer. Please leave a prayer on Lysa's blog for the family and friends, teachers and first responders, churches and community organizations, of Sandy Hook, Connecticut.

Power Verses:
Ephesians 6:8, "And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord's people." (NIV)

Romans 8:26, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." (NIV)

*courtesy of Proverbs 31 writer Lysa TerKeurst

To the Mother

This prayer was written by Julie (www.happyhomefairy.com) in dedication to the moms in Newtown, Conneticutt who lost their beloved children. When words fail us, when we can't understand "why", when answers elude us, let us PRAY.



To the Mother who packed her child’s lunch yesterday, not knowing he might not eat it.

To the Mother who fixed her child’s hair, not knowing those strands of hair would be the last to grace the brush.

To the Mother who dropped her child off at school, not knowing the horror that awaited.

To the Mother who has presents stored in secret that will not be opened this Christmas.

To the Mother who had to drive to the school wondering if her child might not be there.

To the Mother who has to wrestle with cameras and news people while grieving.

To the Mother whose world has forever been changed by this tragedy.

I pray that in the coming days you will have someone to hold your hand.

I pray that you will have someone to weep with.

Someone who will read Psalm 23 or Psalm 121 to you.

Someone who will remind you of the Truth – when your mind wants to go places it shouldn’t.

I pray that you will sense His presence with you every second of every awful minute.

I pray that you will be overwhelmed by an outpouring of kindness and support from the Church.

And because this happened at the time it did, I pray that Christmas will not be ruined for you.

That from now on this season will not be one marked by pain and suffering.

But instead I pray that God will use this season to remind you of His presence among us.

Comfort that our Savior is HERE.

He came.

He came to conquer evil. To overcome death. To destroy the enemy.

This tiny baby… This child… He came at Christmas to bring peace, love, and hope…

Hope that one day we will be celebrating His second coming in eternity.

With no weeping, no hurting, no suffering, no violence, and no pain.

To the Mother in Newtown, Connecticut, I pray these things.

“The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the greatness of his government and peace there will be no end.
He will reign on David’s throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever.” Isaiah 9:2,6-7

Can We Talk?

My son, obey your father’s commands,

    and don’t neglect your mother’s instruction.

 Keep their words always in your heart.

    Tie them around your neck.

 When you walk, their counsel will lead you.

    When you sleep, they will protect you.

    When you wake up, they will advise you.

 For their command is a lamp

    and their instruction a light;

their corrective discipline

    is the way to life.

- Proverbs 6:20-23 NLT

Recently I received saddening news. A family friend, sick with cancer, after having surgery and chemo found out the cancer has spread everywhere and there was nothing left the medical professionals could do. As I read their latest Facebook post, informing me of this, I was broken and sad.

It was a Monday morning and my family was waiting in the car for our "family time" outing to begin as I read this news. I began to cry as I walked to the car to meet up with my husband and kids. As my boys began to ask questions why I was upset, I allowed it to be a learning experience for them. For me.

How would I handle a conversation with my children that could potentially be uncomfortable? The way Christ would want me to.....filled with honestly, scripture and truth.

The Holy Spirit used this opportunity for growth in their understanding of life and death.  As we drove, I explained what had happened to our friend and the possibility that he may die soon. I also followed it up by reminding them about about my sister, their Auntie Beth, who is in heaven and will see again someday.  My husband and I explained that death is part of life, and how it started back in the Garden when Adam and Eve sinned.

My heart also expressed great hope & enthusiasm for where our family friend will go if he passes away. My kids now grasp the idea that those friends and family left behind, here on earth, are sad but the one who has died, knowing Jesus, is going to heaven happy because they get to be with Christ! What a blessing!

As a parent the Lord lays opportunities everyday at our feet. For conversation. For Truth. For prayer. Many times we run from those "talks" because we fear, the unknown, of how the discussion will go.
Many parents will lie just to avoid sharing truth. Ironic, huh?

Death.
Sex.
Drugs/alcohol.
Violence.

Last weekend at church I was reminded of the detriment of fleeing those "talks" by our guest speaker, Sy Rogers. He shared that someone will guide and influence your kids. Either the "Pop Culture" or YOU. Who will it be? They will have questions. They will ask. Will you answer? Will you create an environment welcoming those healthy open conversations? Will you be the voice they hear... investing Truth into their lives?

If there is a "uncomfortable" conversation you feel led to have with your child...PRAY...allow the Word and His Holy Spirit to guide your lips, message, and delivery. Sy also shared it is better to be on the side of preventative maintenance then on the flip side. So true!

Allow obstacles to be opportunities in disguise!

Lord, help us to have those "talks" with our children that could be difficult. Give us the words to say. Help us to be bold when we want to cower. We love and trust you. Thank you for calling us into the powerful position of influencing the next generation for you, Jesus!

Sharing Truth

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. - James 4:14

                                          
In 1988 my older sister, Beth, lost her battle with Lymphoma cancer. She was only14 years old, and lived with the disease for 8 months before going home to Jesus. She is the one with the Santa cap on in the pic above. Sunday, April 22, was the anniversary of her death. I have so much respect for my parents. I watched them walk through trial relying on the Lord for strength, which allowed them to grow closer instead of apart (many divorces occur from the loss of a child). They have ministered both by mouth and action to many who have lost a child.

Now, being a mom, the phrase to "lose a child" has a whole new meaning. I allowed Sunday to be a day our family rejoiced over the life of my sister. I explained to my kids where Beth was and that when we get to heaven we will be greeted by Jesus and Beth too! Some may shy away from talking about death with a four year old, but it gave me an opportunity to share with him truth about life and death. That here on earth we have a beginning, our birthday (day we are born), and an ending (where we will meet Jesus face-to-face if He is our Savior).


Death is part of life. It is the sweetest part of life if we know Jesus.
Talking about death with your kids doesn't have to be a scary thing because the conversation that follows is about Jesus. One about TRUE life, how to find it, and His path to heaven.

Has you family encountered a loss of a loved one (Grandma/Grandpa, family friend, dog, cat, ect) is there is an open door to talk about heaven and TRUE life?