Persnickety Perfectionism

“Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.” Galatians 1:10

1…2…3…I blew in his face and dunked him under the water, and he tried his best to swim to the wall. He emerged somewhat confident, but mostly exasperated because he hated swim lessons. Yet, we went two times a week, and each time he would mostly cry and swim a little. One day, I noticed that his tummy looked a little swollen after swim lessons, so I pushed it and…blah, water came spewing out of his mouth! Oh my goodness! My little Mikey had been swallowing the water instead of holding his breath. So, we decided to take a little break from swim lessons. 

Yet, I still felt the pressure. Mikey was only two at the time, but everyone (or what felt like everyone) insisted that he needed to know how to swim. Forget that most of our generation didn’t know how to swim until school age or later—this new little generation needed to swim before they could walk…or so it seemed. The truth is, our culture insists that kids do a lot of things on their own from a very early age: go to sleep on their own, become potty trained, learn to swim. Yes, all of these things are good things, but we must ask ourselves “why” and “how”. Do we want our kids to be whole and strive for excellence in all they do, or are we raising a new generation of stressed out, perfectionist kids?

The truth is that the dangers of perfectionism are far too costly and the rewards far too shallow. So, how do you know if you are a perfectionist? If you are constantly comparing yourself to, competing with, and criticizing (outwardly or inwardly) the other women in your life, you may be a perfectionist. If you are constantly focusing on what is wrong with yourself and others, you may be a perfectionist. If your husband can never do anything right, you may be a perfectionist. If you are not okay with your son or daughter NOT being good at something that YOU think they should be good at, you might be a perfectionist. 

If you are panicking because this may be you, don’t worry! As a recovering perfectionist with occasional relapses, let me lovingly say that there is hope…more than that: there is GRACE.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

The answer to our perfectionist tendencies is almost so simple that it is hard to accept: we were never meant to be good at everything. Our kids are not called to be good at everything. We are not called to be just like the other moms we know. We are not called to be just like our own moms. We were made to be the wife and mom of the husband and kids God gave us. So, given these precious and challenging responsibilities, God calls us to do our best, knowing that we would not be the best at everything. 

However, God knew we would struggle with the feeling of not being good enough, so that is why he told us that his grace would be sufficient. We were always meant to walk in His strength and not our own. We are called to listen to His voice, and block out the traffic of noise around us—each book or person telling us we should be parenting our kids some other way.

So how do we drown out the conflicting voices around us and jump out of the race to be the best mom with the best kids? Practically speaking, here are a few things we can do to maintain a sense of calm and balance:

1. Accept that you, your husband, your kids, your friends, and your neighbors all have weaknesses. Know that God’s grace is sufficient and then give them and yourself the grace to grow up and become more mature. Recognize that maturity is a process, not an overnight thing.
2. Accept God’s forgiveness and extend that forgiveness to others. What a humbling thing it is to have to apologize to our kids when we make a mistake! But God uses that to show them that we all fall short of his glory and that forgiveness is available to all.
3. Be transparent. We do not have to know the answer to everything. We may have some practical parenting advice of things that worked for our family, but we should also be transparent enough to let others know that we have made mistakes.
4. Speak the truth in love, and realize that advice and/or opinions are not necessarily truths…they may just be your personal convictions. If the Bible doesn’t directly speak to the issue, then it is OK if you and your family disciple your children differently than the other couples you know.
5. Pursue Excellence, not Perfectionism: Give it everything you’ve got, and then let it go. Don’t dwell on what you could have done better. Learn from it and keep moving forward. Stop looking back!

So ladies, let us test and examine ourselves, give it our best, and release it all to God. For His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in our weakness. Because Christ’s love is perfect and I find my strength in him, I don’t have to be perfect and neither do you.:)


Dear God,
Thank you for loving me and accepting me. Please help me to rely on your strength and not my own. Thank you for making me unique. Please help me to stop comparing, criticizing, and competing with the other moms around me. Help me to accept my husband, kids, and myself just as we are, and may we all have your grace to grow. In Jesus’ name.
Amen.

Verses to Consider:

"As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.” 2 Samuel 22:31

“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.” Isaiah 26:3

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2

*** Side note: This is a repost of a blog I wrote almost 2 years ago. My oldest Doodlebug is almost 6 now, and he loves to swim! He became comfortable with the water in his own time. :)

From Overpowered to Empowered by Lysa Terkeurst

January 10, 2013 From Overpowered to Empowered By Lysa TerKeurst

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

It was one of those days. I was driving to the airport in the pouring rain. The skies were grey. The day felt a bit gloomy. And honestly, so did I. 

There were just a lot of little things swarming my thoughts. Feelings of inadequacy stinging. "There are so many things I'm responsible for and never enough hours in the day. I do enough to keep things from sinking. But I just wonder if I'm doing anything well. I don't think I am ... doing anything well."

The more I focused on these thoughts, the more overpowered I became. The more overpowered I became, the more withdrawn I felt.

I pulled into the parking space and started the fight with my luggage. My suitcase has two wheels missing. And of course I keep intending to do something about this. But I don't have time. So I make do with a crazy suitcase and a crazy life and a crazy sense I should just pack my family up and move out west somewhere. Live on a ranch where we grow our own food and I cook beans in a black pot over an open flame.

Surely that would fix everything.

Except that I know it wouldn't.

Because the chaos isn't from my circumstances. It's inside me.

I boarded the plane. I stared out the window. I watched the grey clouds envelop us.
And then the grey broke.

Suddenly, we rose above the clouds and the sun was shining brightly. The sky was fabulously clear.

The clouds were just a temporary covering. They didn't stop the sun from shining. They just prevented my eyes from seeing the sun. And it wasn't just the sky that appeared a little brighter. My mood did as well.

I started to shift from feeling overpowered to empowered as I realized three things:

Just because I feel it doesn't make it real.
Just like I felt the sun was gone but it wasn't, I might feel like I'm not doing anything well, but it doesn't make it true. The fact that I have weaknesses doesn't make everything about me weak. I have plenty of strengths.

All I have to do is ask a couple of my friends or my family members to help me see what I do well. I can celebrate those, and then get a plan for bettering things that need improvement. I can start by identifying one thing to improve on this month. And do a little toward making that one thing better.

There are a lot of people who would trade their best day for my worst day.
Yes, I have a lot to manage. And yes, sometimes things get a little foggy. But that doesn't mean I have to stay swallowed up in the grey. That means I need to get my head above the clouds and see all the many places where the sun is shining brightly in my life. So, I can start making a list of things for which I need to be thankful.

My mind needs some space to think.
If I always run at a breakneck pace, I'm eventually going to break. My mind is a powerful tool, capable of seeing things that can be done more efficiently and effectively if I give myself time to think. When is the last time I just sat quietly with a pen and paper and asked the Lord to help me think?

As 2 Corinthians 12:9 teaches, God's power is made perfect in weakness. When I'm sinking in thoughts of inadequacy and plans to relocate out west, I remember that my ability is not based on what I can do. My ability and strength come from the One who can do all things. With the Lord working in me and through my weaknesses, I can feel the transformation from being overpowered to empowered taking place.

If the clouds have been looming close lately, maybe it's time to stop. Pause. Lift your eyes to an altitude that can rearrange your attitude.

Dear Lord, only You can provide all I need to stay the course. Please replenish me with a new attitude as I try to see above my grey clouds today. Help me to refocus my attention to You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.


Reflect and Respond:
1. Identify one thing to improve on this month.
2. Make a list of five things you are thankful for.
3. Commit 5-10 minutes today to sit quietly with a pen and paper and ask the Lord to help you think.

Power Verses:
Psalm 34:17-18, "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (NIV)


Related Resources:
God gave us feelings to experience life, not destroy it! If you're feeling overpowered by your emotions, add Lysa TerKeurst's Unglued to your reading list.

The accompanying Unglued Bible Study will also help you understand what the Bible says about better ways to react. To order your copy click here.

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